i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
