We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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