if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize