I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
