how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
