I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
