never play flip cup with pint glasses
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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