I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize