Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
