I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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