I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize