I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize