hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize