peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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