shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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