We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
