I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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