Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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