I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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