Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
