Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
