just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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