I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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