Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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