You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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