Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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