i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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