I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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