I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize