my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
