She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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