I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
