I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize