She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
