I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
