You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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