maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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