dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize