apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
and you fell through a lawn chair
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
