i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize