there's paper in my vomit.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize