I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
