These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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