just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
