Swine flu. Run for my life!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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