I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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