i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
