just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
