I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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