Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
