ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
