Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
