My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize