I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
