he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
