just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She bit a glass in half.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
