Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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