Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
