I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize