Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
