Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
