So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
