It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
now i know why i became what i already was.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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