some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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