So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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